[theresonlyoneMELLO!]

You know that weird boat scene in the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? You know, the part where the kids head down the river and disgusting insect images are flashed on the walls of the tunnel? You know, THIS NIGHTMARE:

Today I had a horrifying mental experience with a disgusting insect and my mind was flashing colors and images much like Willy’s hell-ride.

I thought one of these disgusting garden centipedes had made its way into my left shoe somehow. I had been going through some papers while the kids were HSPA testing and as I got up, I felt something wiggle its way into my shoe. I’m pretty sure I stalled mentally. Whatever Mrs. Rosso was saying to me went through my brain without hitting its target. I blanked. Completely blanked. All I could think about was how I had to walk all the way down to the other side of the building crushing a putrid red centipede under my heel over and over and over again.

You have no idea how hard it was for me to shuffle through Google images of this beast. I normally have an cast-iron stomach. I could probably EAT one of these things and not feel queasy. But I gagged a couple times just LOOKING at this thing.

And you would think that, being so disgusted by this, I would have taken my shoe off immediately to inspect the damage. Oh no, not me. I endured an entire lunch duty with this thing in my shoe. I kept normal conversation with the other teachers, but all the while I was just nodding and smiling. They could not understand the inner turmoil I was going through.

As soon as lunch was done I rushed to the bathroom. I threw my shoe off and then I slowly peered into its dark contents. I expected a giant African centipede to stick its red head out at me and spit fire into my eyes or curse at me or something evil. The only capacity I ever encountered one of these things in battle was in Zelda.

But I never had to dig up that experience because I tipped my shoe toward me and… a jumbo silver paperclip slid down.

Earlier in the day I had been looking through a packet of papers, which were held together with a jumbo paperclip. I remembered eventually putting the packet down, unable to find the accompanying paperclip. “Hmmm, I don’t care,” I thought to myself. That stupid paperclip must have found a hidden alcove in the folds of my pants, tucked inside, and then slid down my pant leg and INTO MY SHOE.

You may laugh, but do me a favor and throw a paperclip into your shoe and tell me what it feels like. Lie to me and say you don’t imagine a villainous centipede getting ready to go berserk on your toes. My mind went so insane while that paperclip was in my shoe that even my big toe started to get tingly, as if the centipede had bit it and injected some numbing element into my system. I also noted that the centipede didn’t move around much, which I attributed to how I must have crushed its body with one of my hefty steps. But then the thought of its vile innards smearing all over my shoe made me want to purge the soles of my feet with fire.

- [MELLO!]