[theresonlyoneMELLO!]

It’s common, isn’t it? On Monday, a girl makes plans with a boy to hang out together that weekend. The boy spends all week hyping up and anticipating what the weekend has in store. But then guess what? Friday comes around and the girl decides to call the whole thing off. When this happens with adults we get upset, but we move on. 

When this happens with teenagers, especially immature boys, ANYTHING can happen. 

Take today for example.

There was an event after school that all students were allowed to attend. School was offering transportation at 5pm and it was required that the students get dressed up. One of my students, Jeff, even went out the night before to buy new clothes specifically for the event. Also, his MOM bought them. None of his own money. Keep that in mind.

But, I’m not stupid. I know that this kid could care LESS about this event and the only reason he wanted to go was to be near this girl. And if I remember correctly, several months ago Jeff approached me, with stars in his eyes, and said, “It’s crazy being in love, isn’t it Mr. C?” Yes Jeff, it is crazy. And so are you.

I walked into work this morning and before I could even say hello to anybody, Jeff was tripping over every obstacle in the classroom to get to me, demanding that I fix his tie for him. After three failed attempts all systems were go, but, as I put the tie around his neck and pulled the collar down over it, I noted how he was emitting an extreme amount of heat. I mean, I could REALLY feel it. It felt like I was warming my hands over the hood of a running car. It was this dirty kind of heat. Real thick. It creeped me out so bad. It was unnatural heat. No way was that normal. I think all his body heat was trying to make one last effort to escape before it was all trapped in his dress shirt. So vile. The rest of the day Jeff was dancing around the room with his new clothes on saying, “I’m too sexy…” and all that blah blah blah crap guys say when they’re uncomfortable being dressed up. 

The day went on like that – him dancing out of love getting no work done. Then at lunch I noticed how Jeff was acting like the Fonz. He was all leaning over to talk to this love of his, complete with his feet on her chair, all the while just repeating almost anything she said. Only difference was that his mimicry always included an added F-bomb just to make a point or something. For example:

Girl: “Are you staying after today?”
Jeff: “Hellz yeah I’m effin’ staying after today!”
Girl: “Cool. This pizza is pretty good. Is it Domino’s today?”
Jeff: “F yeah! This pizza is pretty effin’ good! It might effin’ be effin’ Dominoes. I don’t effin’ know! What effin’ day is it today? F! Is it effin’ Friday? I LOVE YOU! What?! I’m effin’ effed up! EFFFFF!”

See what I mean? That’s not far from the truth. He was ALL ABOUT her today. I wanted to yak several times. I think I’ve said it before, but when you work in a high school you become a bit omniscient. I see all things. I knew Jeff liked this girl before even HE knew it. No kidding.

The best comment made about Jeff’s attire happened midday. This conversation happened between Jeff and one of his friends:

Friend: “Jeff, you look like you work at McDonald’s.” 
Jeff: “Shut up man.”
Friend: “You do!”
(This is where it gets weird)
Jeff: “Well…at least I have a job!”
Friend: “What?! I said you LOOK like you work at McDonald’s. You don’t have a job you idiot!”

I didn’t laugh about that conversation when I first heard it, but when I remembered it later, I couldn’t STOP laughing.

All morning I was trying to pinpoint exactly who Jeff looked like. It was driving me crazy. But his friend figured it out for me hahaha. Jeff looked EXACLTY like he was a manager at McDonald’s: black pants, white shirt, dark tie, and white sneakers.

What makes this even funnier is that Jeff used to work at Burger King… so obviously his sense of public fashion is limited. In fact, it’s so limited that he unconsciously chose the only form of business attire he’d ever seen. But what really did me in was how convoluted their conversation became: “At least I have a job”? WHAT!? I almost died when I thought about it. He made up a lie in less than a second.

But the real point of this story happened at 3pm, the end of the day. This just did me in.

We had an activity day today, which means that at 1:30 all the kids are allowed to attend an activity they signed up for. Jeff and this girl he’s trying to woo signed up for some kind of “Mr. Roboto” game. I don’t really know what that means. It sounded bizarre. Jeff hates this kind of crap so I knew he was only motivated by love. “It’s crazy being in love, isn’t it Mr. C?” Hahahahahaha…

But something must have happened while he was there. At 3pm, when classrooms were releasing all the students out for the day, Jeff came RUNNING out of his activity classroom, withOUT the girl, as if he was running for his life. His shirt was untucked from his pants, flailing about like a boat’s sail. Meanwhile, he was bouncing off the walls down the hallway as if he was trying so hard to stand up straight. He looked sweaty and scared, like somebody was chasing him down. AND he was screaming at the top of his lungs like a maniac: “I’M NOT STAYING AFTER! I’M NOT STAYING AFTER TODAY! I’M TAKING THE BUS! I WON’T STAY AFTER TODAY! I CAN’T DO IT! GOODBYE!”

…WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

The Facts: A McDonald’s manager look-a-like with clothes specifically bought for a formal after-school event was screaming down packed hallways in a rage about how he wasn’t going anymore, when just an hour and a half earlier he was Don Juan ready to cut a rug.
Conclusion: That girl must have said or done something.

I’m telling you, it must have been her. How do I know? Well, this isn’t the first time this has happened. The first occurrence was when she rebuked him on Valentine’s Day. He bought her a box of those candy hearts and all she said was an innocent, “Oh, I don’t eat those things.”

He was thrown off so bad by that comment that several times I found him crying and then later he was sitting at lunch so STILL that I knew he was about to explode (he tells me all the time that he has Restless-Leg Syndrome… so for him to be that still was an omen of war)

And explode he did. Right when my back was turned he shoved another kid. He got a detention out of it. I wonder what happened when he went home in his McDonald’s garb and his mom freaked out about buying the clothes for no reason.

“It’s crazy being in love, isn’t it Mr. C?”

Yes.

- [MELLO!]